Lovey on Life with Tinnitus

Lovell Harris, MD is a graduate of Howard University, the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and Internal Medicine, Henry Ford Hospital. Harris completed 25 years of private practice in internal medicine. His major interest was patient management. After losing his hearing to tinnitus, he began writing as a way to use sublimation to ease the pain of his condition.

Lovey on Life with Tinnitus

By Lovell Harris, M.D.

Copyright 2009 Lovell Harris

Foreword

I am writing these essays because I am in turmoil. I am living life in a Hell called tinnitus, which is ringing in the ears. The noise which I have had to live with for six years has made me want to die, but I hold on because my mother loves me and I can not leave her.

When this noise started, I did not know what to do or how to cope. I went to the Tinnitus Retraining Center, but to no avail I went to several neurologists, an ENT specialist, and eventually a neuropsychologist. The neuropsychologist is the one who suggested I write as a way of sublimating my pain. As a consequence, I am on my third and last book, which I refer to as my obituary.

I am tired. The medicines do not work. I am sleep deprived, unable to find a job, and miserable. My relations with my family do not exist because they cannot stand me in this state. In 'The Mad Doc' I wrote about friends and family as my neuropsychologist advised, and doing that allowed me to distance myself from the family that was never there for me. Now I have moved on and established a life where I don't have to worry if their feelings are going to be hurt by who and what I am.

'The Nite Lite,' my second book, which is as yet unpublished, is one that should be read because in it all my anger was released. It was well done and the truth in that book really set me free. I finally feel that Lovey is his own man, with his own life, without those who came to take from me. Yes, reader, you all have takers in your life, and all they give in return is grief. Move on; they can be replaced.

'Lovey on Life' with tinnitus is last book I will write. I have moved on and said all I want to in print. This is my obituary because I will not announce my death publicly. Those who call and find out the phone is no longer in service will know that I am in the Greaty Beyond. My mother will know when the time comes because I could not leave her without saying goodbye.

I hope you enjoy reading some of my madness, which was brought about by life, and living life with tinnitus.

Lovell Harris, M.D.

All I Hear is Noise

I never dreamed that my life would end with hearing noise, noise, noise and more noise. Tinnitus is one of the more depressing illnesses that one could have. A heart attack would be more merciful. I can't hear the phone, and when I do, I can't recognize the voice because the roaring in head distorts everything that is being said. What kind of life is this? I can't bear it much longer. What are my options? Not many! So many days I pray for death, but I am trying to hold onto life for my mother and those who love me.

There are so many people who cannot understand the mental anguish of tinnitus. Recently I saw on an ABC TV program two people with the same condition who wanted to die. One was a veteran of the Iraq War, so young but wanting to die because of this infernal noise. Another was an elderly lady who also wanted death. I felt for them because I too have that feeling. Medical science is now trying to work on putting implants in the brain to help with this condition. There is another device that plays music in your head to drown out what you are hearing with something else. The price for this device is more than $5,000, and it's not covered by your insurance.

Why does our healthcare system not care about those of us who have tinnitus and the hell we live with no help? I have tried every device and pill imaginable, and the only I can come up with is an overdose of a narcotic. I am writing this to sublimate my feelings. I would like to get out of the house, but I get tired of not hearing the World around me. All I hear is me. I pray to God to help me. Take me home so I can be relieved from this torment!

Euthanasia

Euthanasia should be a way out. Dr. Jack Kevorkian was arrested because he assisted people in ending their own lives because they believe they have nothing left to live for. The people he assisted were people who have terminal illnesses such as ALS-amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or Lou Gehrig's disease; multiple sclerosis; and metastatic cancer.

We hear the conservative Republicans go on about the right to life. What about the right to death? Who has the right to decide for you how you want to end your life? I feel that if there is a pill out there that can put you to sleep, why not? Animals are much more concerned about one another. When an animal sees another that is dying or injured, it takes care of the dying animal by eating it or by helping the injured animal to die easily and quickly rather than suffer a slow and unrelenting death. Death is a certainty for all of us, but do we have to die such a painful, ugly, horrible death that devastates our families? I'm tired of hearing people dictating from on high, these conservatives who want to say what you should do. This is America - where's our freedom of choice? If I want to die because I have a terminal illness, it's my right. It's my right to say to my doctor, 'Please give me something to relieve me from this anxiety, from this terrible, painful death.' Why should I have to just sit there and suffer? Yet this is what happens- We suffer, and who has to take care of us? Our families. And our families suffer watching us. But once again, someone pontificates, someone who's not living the hell of those who are dying of these dreaded diseases.

Today I ran into someone at the Philadelphia International Airport who I had never met before. He said to me that he was a professor at St. Joseph 's, and that he lost his brother at 41 to ALS. Next to him was his sister, who lost her husband, who she had been married to for just a few months, to colon cancer. Yes, these were deaths that were unavoidable, yet they fought. It would have been easier on all had their loved ones died an easier death, if they had been able to take that pill that would have alleviated their pain and suffering.

I believe in euthanasia. I believe in a man's right to die. I believe in it just as I do a woman's right to abort. It's not a man's decision to say that a lady should have to have a baby she doesn't want, especially if he isn't there to take care of her and the baby. Yes, America , we are losing our freedoms daily. But you know where it's coming from: the man in the White House and his cohorts. It's time for a change-time for you to control your own life.